David Sedaris

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The first time I met you was in a cozy Chicago bookstore with a handful of people. The second time was in an arena with hundreds of fans. Your fame is well-deserved, and you’re an enormous inspiration.

Dino

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I’ll never forgive you for firing me. If I’d screwed up alone, fine, I’d own it. But you signed off on my mistake, and I took the fall. I loved that job. Losing it was totally devastating.

Grace

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You were so damn much fun to work with. I loved your free spirit, your even temperament, and the almost hedonistic way you approached life, and yet, you were one of the most grounded people I knew.

P.J. at Nietzsche's

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There's something oddly comforting and delightful about a bar doorman who hugs his regular patrons. There’s something really devastating about finding out that doorman is fighting cancer. Fight the good fight, my man. We need you back.

Shirley D.

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You hated the thought of me living on cheese sandwiches all summer, so you invited me into your home. I got to be part of a family where fear didn’t run the show, and it was awesome.

Donny K.

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How can the guy who made it possible for me to meet my hero NOT get a mention here? Seriously, it meant the world to me, and I’ll never be able to thank you enough. Rock on.

Randy

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You’re a little bitch. Maybe it was from growing up with nine sisters, but dude, you DON’T play nice with others. How many band members will you go through before you figure it out? Get over yourself.

Damon

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I knew the second I saw you exchanging numbers with S it was a disaster in the making. It’s tough being in the middle between friends, but with all due respect, you did act like an asshole.

Danielle C.

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You and I were “best friends” only because your grandparents lived next door. We fought constantly and I disliked you most of the time. Your thumbs were huge, like big toes, and you had no coordination whatsoever.

Kari V.

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We stole butts from our parents’ ashtrays to “smoke” behind our garages. Whose idea was that? We were so young, we didn’t know what we were doing, but I unfortunately figured it out a few years later.

Sheryl

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It’s weird how some people click right away, but you and I did just that. And I always know that no matter how long we go between chats, we’ll always pick up right where we left off.

Pat Barry

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You and John were my first landlords, and I’m glad my first renting experience was positive. Plus you let me work off my rent at your catering business, which was not only cool, but prevented starvation, too.

Norine

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It all started twenty years ago at Bells. You are the definition of a true-blue friend. How else to define someone who drives 1000 miles on their wedding anniversary to help a friend pack up and move?

Gramma Audrey

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“Flower Gramma,” you never lost your Canadian-ness, even after forty years in the States. You used silly words like “veranda” and “oleo,” and said “eh.” Colleen and I still laugh about your thumbs on the steering wheel.

Michael

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Growing up with you was a lot of fun. Fond memories abound, with inside jokes that have lasted a lifetime and never get old. I’m glad we’ve stayed close; being a grown-up with you is fun, too!

Thomas

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You’re so lucky to have turned your incredible talent into a lucrative career, and I’m immensely proud of you. But I wish you’d lose that grudge against C. It was more fun when we all got along.

Eve

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I’m all about religious freedom, which is why people like you piss me off. I’m quite content in my beliefs. So, no, I don’t want you to tell me about your “really cool Christian church, “ thanks.

Mr. Getman

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Nobody hated you because you were fat, we hated you because you were a nasty, sadistic bastard with a fat complex who threw stuff at us. The fact that you were a math teacher didn’t help, either.

Mr. Graff

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You were my first male teacher. I was nervous. It kind of broke my heart when I ran into you two years later and you didn’t remember me; I’d tried so hard to make a good impression.

M.O.

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The adorability factor works in your favor most of the time, but some days I just can’t deal with your shit. Being cute does not give you license to do whatever the hell you feel like doing.