Jean from State Farm

214x365
You’re so consistently pleasant and helpful. Thanks for making me feel like a valued customer, and for softening the unpleasant task of paying car insurance. Oh, and thanks for hooking me up with that neat piggybank, too.

Cashier Pat

213x365
I’m a little annoyed that my car got wrecked while you were explaining that whole Cradle Beach thing. If you’d just cashed me out and let me get out of there, I might have dodged that bullet.

Robert Weymouth, Jr.

212x365
What the hell were you doing? Just how fast were you going? You really wrecked more than my car. I hope your insurance throws down, because if they don’t, you are SO buying me a new one.

Stinky Paul

211x365
Has it ever occurred to you that I disappear because your cologne is so offensive that I can’t wait on you? Dude, seriously. You give me an instant asthma attack with that shit. You're a health hazard!

Miles

210x365
I keep running into you everywhere I go. I think it’s pretty funny, but we do just seem to have all the same friends. Thanks for keeping house music alive in Buffalo. I hope you’ll stick around.

Lauren

209x365
It’s been five years since you stole that cash from my register to pay your plastic surgeon. So I wonder now that you’ve had some time with them – were your boobs really worth the criminal larceny record?

Dr. Cromwell

208x365
Thirty-seven years ago today you pulled me out into the world. You were witness to a phenomenon – it was my due date, and it’d be the first and only time I’d ever not be late for anything.

Dee

207x365
Who’d have known that all these years later I’d end up working for you? I’m grateful for having been given the opportunity and think it’s a great move for my burgeoning career. I hope I don’t disappoint.

Meg

206x365
You’re really nice, but holy crap, would you PLEASE take it down a notch or five? No one likes to be upsold before their morning coffee, least of all by a high-pitched, bubbly cheerleader. And stop bouncing!

Bus Driver Ann

205x365
Why do you keep losing passengers? I know it’s not really your fault that they wander off and disappear, but those stops were like the Bermuda Triangles of Greyhound. That’s why I stayed on the whole time.

John McCrea

204x365
Thanks for being so cool and gracious to my dorkiness. I’ve been a fan of your band for over ten years, but I’ve only gotten to see you play three times. Please play more East Coast shows.

Bob

203x365
I’m jealous that you rollerblade so fearlessly, and you crack me up. Sometimes I wish it’d worked out differently with you and Chris, but things work out how they’re meant to, and I’m glad you’re still friends.

Robbie

202x365
I caught a fleeting glimpse of you once and heard you a few times. Even when we were introduced you wouldn’t look at me, so I’ve no idea what you look like. No wonder Chris hates you.

Adam L.

201x365
Yours is the most amazing transformation I’ve ever seen. And the fact that you did it without drugs or surgery blows my mind. But please do be careful with the newfound liberties – thin does not equal indestructible.

Duane Reade

200x365
I don’t know you or if you’re even an actual person. Regardless, thank you for putting one of your stores in Port Authority station. At that moment, I'd never in my life needed duct tape so badly.

Bus Driver #2

199x365
I don’t know if you were drunk, tired, or just a straight-up maniac, but more than a few times I was sure we were all going to die. Find a different job. You suck at this one.

Terry from Subway

198x365
It’s nice having a fellow rat lover to talk to. It’s even nicer to have someone who loves rats AND gives me deals on food. Now if you could just hire some un-retarded help, that’d be awesome.

Stephanie

197x365
I’m happy for you, but bummed that you’re leaving in what feels like the prime of getting to know you. I’ve especially enjoyed these last couple weeks – I never realized until recently how funny you can be.

Marianne

196x365
Everybody thinks I’m being mean, but I honestly think you used to be a man. I’m not judging; I’m just sort of obsessively intrigued by the way your ultra-feminine dress is offset by your decidedly un-feminine physique.

Brock

195x365
I'm glad you and John had a good laugh at my expense. I might be a fat chick, but you're a fat hairy dude with really awful fashion sense. What else should I’ve expected from a Cheesehead?

A.S.

194x365
Not only does your voice make me want to stab forks in my ears, you’re also astonishingly dumb. I’d call you an airhead, but I think that’d be a compliment. I think vacuumhead would be more appropriate.

Junko

193x365
I had $1700 in my hot little hands, and you were the first travel agent I found who actually acknowledged this fact. Not only that, you were polite, helpful, and accommodating with my questions, too. Arigato gozaimasu!

Bill Lusk

192x365
I still remember the time you accidentally broke our basement window with the basketball. You were actually pretty cool, until you married Kathy. Then you just became a big pussy. Why did she call you “Nate,” anyway?

Uncle Eddie

191x365
I got your birthday card today. It cracks me up that I haven’t seen you in 22 years but you still include money. You’ll always be Uncle Fun – and the guy responsible for launching my hippie phase.

Mr. O'Shei

190x365
All I really remember about you is that gross stringy spitball when you talked. I ran into your son recently – he was five when you were my sixth grade teacher. He’s now 30. That blows my mind.

Mom (Happy Mothers' Day)

189x365
Our relationship is kind of bizarre. There is so much about me you don’t know, understand, relate to, or appreciate - yet we pee ourselves laughing over stuff like enormous plastic gloves in the dollar store. Funny.

Marcus

188x365
How unfair that I lusted after you for months, and then I got my chance and it sucked. Seriously. You were so hot, but you were awful in bed. Now I know why it’s called a crush.

Erica

187x365
You’re one of my favorite customers because you’re nice, you’re cool, and you tip. I love how you always let us keep the dollar but take the twenty cents. What do you do with all those dimes?

C.B.

186x365
I thought I was bad, but at least I care enough to try hard. You do understand that in the real world you’re going to have to actually show up to work and adhere to deadlines, right?

K.Q.

185x365
I don’t not like you, but look; I’m big, loud, flaky, underemployed, and live in squalor most of the time. You’re an overdriven neat freak with traditional Asian values and no sense of humor. It’d never work.

S.F.

184x365
I’m sorry you got left out, and I feel bad that your work won’t be seen. But at the same time I feel strangely better about myself, because for once I wasn’t the fuckup. Is that bad?

So Sue Me: Dr. Susan M.

183x365
I really admire how you manage to skirt the issue of your own sexuality when discussing gender issues and family values. I think you’re way cool. The lesbian couple in the second row thinks you’re the bomb.

So Sue Me: Freshman Sue

182x365
You were the quintessential Massatoilet Party Girl. That was nice of your parents to let us crash at your house after the Jerry Band fiasco weekend. You left after freshman year, I think to have a baby.

So Sue Me: Aunt Sue

181x365
I know you’re not bad, and I feel like my family really put you through the wringer. In truth, I admire you for raising two decent kids and not letting the bullshit drive you off the edge.

So Sue Me: Target Sue

180x365
I didn’t know what to do when you told me your mom died. I managed an "I'm so sorry," but I don't really know you well enough to hug you, although I felt afterwards like I should’ve.

So Sue Me: Sue T.

179x365
I have a hard time believing you’re as awful as your kids say you are. I think you’re okay; you seem like any other typical middle-aged mom who just wants her grown children out of the house.

So Sue Me: Susan C.

178x365
I liked you. I had lots of fun with you. I related to you. But my biggest mistake was confiding in you. I thought it was the start of a great friendship, but apparently you thought otherwise.

So Sue Me: Susan W.

177x365
I call you “The Stepford Wife” because you’re so weirdly robotic and mechanical in your speech and mannerisms. It’s slightly disconcerting. You’re super nice and extremely polite, but it just feels forced, like you’ve been programmed.

Jody

176x365
I like that we get along now, that you’re seeing things from my perspective, and that we commiserate about the bullshit. I wish you weren’t my superior; I think we’d have a lot of fun hanging out.

Harry K the Mary Kay Man

175x365
You are an arrogant prick and proud of it. But I can’t possibly take you seriously, because not only are you a dickhead, you sell Mary Kay. You are a Mary Kay Man. Holy shit, that’s funny.

Alex

174x365
I never knew if you were a masculine woman or an effeminate man, and your name didn’t help matters. But then you paid with a card and I figured it out. I’m wondering if maybe you’re reassigning.

Dr. O'Sullivan

173x365
Wee little Irishman, I wish I’d found you sooner. You’re the best. Please don’t die or retire any time soon. I deserve a few years of decent medical care by a good doctor after what I’ve endured.

Yes, I realize everything sucks lately

Looking at the last couple weeks' worth of posts, most are written about people who've pissed me off in one way or another. Now, I'm pretty sure that most every blog-watcher on Planet Deedums knows me well enough to know that I get into these sorts of funky ruts where I seem to hate everyone and everything, but for those who don't know, my life right now is a veritable trainwreck. Because of such, I'm feeling a little barmy these days.

When I sit down to write my x365 post of the day, I usually write about the first random person who pops into my head. If my life at the moment is full of people who are getting on my nerves - whether as a result of their personalities or because of my mood at that particular time - they earn the dubious distinction of becoming "A-listers" of sorts, figures on the forefront of my saturated brain. Sometimes, in the interest of time conservation, I'll write out a few entries ahead of time. When this happens, I tend to "clump" the entries; one guy will earn an entry, and the next day his wife becomes my next victim. Or one customer gets written up and it spawns a string of customers over the next few days. And even if you don't suck all the time, chances are if you pop into my head during one of these funks, I'm not going to remember the Ratatouille corkscrew you gave me when my dog died, I'm going to remember how you stabbed me in the back. You see how my brain works?

So that's all I really wanted to say. I'm not as angry as I come across, and contrary to what the blog might make you believe, I don't hate everyone, just the ones who suck. I sure do get easily annoyed sometimes, and well, to know me is to love my sarcasm and my wry sense of humor (not everyone gets that, you know), and to understand that it's my therapy. Otherwise I'd lose my job and end up in jail. And that would suck.

Dr. Stachnik

172x365
I thought Cornell churned out the best and brightest. You told me to treat Rosie with carbaryl powder, but when I looked for it, I discovered that it’s actually toxic to rats. Thank God for the Internet.

Kathy F.

171x365
I saw you once, in passing. You’re much cuter and less matronly than I thought you’d be. Sometimes I wonder if you’re clueless about your husband’s indiscretions, or if you know but just don’t give a shit.

Lisa L (2)

170x365
I remember feeling so bad for you when your girlfriend ran off with the kid. It had to have been difficult to be gay in such a small town. I hope you found happiness in bigger places.

E.S.

169x365
You’re a really difficult read. I can never tell if you’re happy, sad, mad, upset, or just tired. Now I know what they meant when they said I was the same way. You make me really uncomfortable.

Tim S.

168x365
It’s too bad your boyfriend is such a back stabber. You’re a fascinating guy, and I really liked how you did my hair. I’ll still recommend you, but I’m really gonna miss you. *Sigh* ... Back to Supercuts.

Ryan

167x365
My back still hurts from the knife you stuck in it. Why did you do that to me? What did I do to deserve that, anyway? I lost a really good hairstylist in the package, too. Damn.

Scott

166x365
I understand you felt slighted, but you flipped out so quickly, and in an angry flash one of my best friends was gone. What made it suck worse was that you did it when I was sick.

Terri

165x365
Your grossly conspicuous public displays of affection only reinforce the theory that your husband is overcompensating for something. I disliked you slightly less than him until I saw you hit your dog. Now I detest you, too.

Bruce

164x365
I detest you. I don’t know how else to put it. You talked to me once like I was stupid, and I’ve never forgiven you. Oh, and someone really should tell your wife you’re gay. Jerk.

Rose

163x365
My first impression of you was not a favorable one at all. I mean, shit, all I did was ask a question about my bill. No need for you to get all agitated and preachy about it.

Northtown Mike

162x365
You’re not a bad guy, and I’m sure you don’t even realize you’re doing this, but we all really wish you’d stop getting poop on the toilet seat every morning. We have to clean that, you know.

Americano Dave

161x365
That dye job is awful and you’ve got this sort of pervy look about you. Your girlfriend is conspicuously absent most of the time, and when she comes in she’s wacked out. We think you’re drugging her.

CNA Rachel

160x365
Just some friendly advice: spend less time in the tanning booth and more time learning how to work that ear thermometer. And if you're going to work with asthma patients, you should probably lay off the perfume.

RT Alex

159x365
Holy crap, are you happy! Not that I don’t appreciate the energy and enthusiasm you have for your job, but first thing in the morning while I’m choking down bad pancakes and rubber bacon...it’s a bit much.

Marta

158x365
I feel like a heel for complaining, but I wish they would’ve put me in a room with someone not quite so sick. Still, you seem to be weathering your situation with grace, and I admire that.

Quick update on my crappy lungs

For those of you who don't already know, I have been trapped in the hospital since Monday night. I won't go into gross detail, but in a nutshell, my lungs took a giant crap and I came in with what they initually thought was pneumonia but turned out to be an acute case of bronchitis that exacerbated my asthma to the point where my lungs would not expand and I couldn't breathe. Yeah, it was scary.

So here I sit. I was hoping to get sprung today and be allowed to continue to recover at home, but it looks like that's not happening until tomorrow. My house, however, is a huge mess (like, remember those "before" pictures from the summer?) so I can't really have visitors...unless, of course, you feel like coming over to help me clean (since I can't really do much in the way of physical exertion for a few more days), hahahaha!

No, but really, while rest and relaxation are a big part of recovery, so is exercise. I have to get up and move around and prove that I can walk more than a few feet without the oxygen before they'll let me go home (because I don't want to bring an oxygen tank home with me - I just don't). So I've been up periodically throughout the night, taking the cannula off and doing spirometer exercises. My peak flows are still at about half of what they should be, but I'm getting better nonetheless.

So again, thanks to everyone who's come out and kept me company over the last couple of days and brought me goodies like Starbucks and orange soda and chocolates and much-needed health & beauty products and trashy magazines and especially to Sara who ventured forth into my abyssmal mess of a house to rescue my laptop and feed the pets - it's really meant a lot! This room can get pretty bleak and depressing, and having company has made a big difference. I'm still here for one more day, so come on by and join the party if you want. Sisters Hospital, room 427. Bring yer party hat!

Now back to our regularly scheduled blog...

Carla

157x365
Who knew mechanical engineers could be such fun? You’re wildly hilarious, incredibly interesting, and terrifically thoughtful. Getting to know you these past few months has been an absolute blast. Do stick around Buffalo for a while, okay?

Nurse Kathy

156x365
You're obviously very new and very nervous, and you're way too happy. It's almost endearing how you keep dropping things and register embarrassment when you ask me about my bowel habits, but you should get over that.

Joe G.

155x365
Why didn’t we meet when I lived in Chicago? Fate really can be cruel. I hope you know that if I still lived there, your little celibacy problem would not exist. I'm one of your biggest fans.

Nick

154x365
Will you just shut the fuck up? Seriously. Yeah, I know, you’re super talented and already know it all, but some of us aren’t so lucky, and have to actually pay attention. Nice headband, by the way.

Stan F.

153x365
You’re an awesome person, a genius designer, and a cool professor. I’m so totally lost in your classes, but having a professor who takes into account disability, learning curves, and elbow grease has made them more bearable.

Holly

152x365
It saddened me that you and M split up. You were one of my favorite couples, but now I see that it wasn't what it seemed. I hope you'll focus on healing and bringing peace to yourself.

Meaghan

151x365
There’s a reason I wanted you to accompany me when I put Alex down. You are a terrifically solid, supportive, and strong person. Becoming friends with you has brought many lessons and much joy into my life.

Yukon John

150x365
Just because your job affords you fourteen coffee breaks a day doesn’t mean ours does, too. We really don’t have time to listen to you go on and on about nothing at all. Plus, you're kinda creepy.

R.S.

149x365
You are, hands down, the most psychotic person I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing. You fucking scare me. You scare everyone. That’s why you have no friends. You need serious help. Heavy medication wouldn’t hurt, either.

Lisa A.

148x365
Listen, we’re both fat and 30ish, so let me offer you some advice: that frumpy, long haired look isn’t working for you. You’re cute. You should embrace your corpulence and get a haircut that flatters your face.

Red

147x365
Keeping our relationship a secret wasn’t hard until you ruined it by messing around with Diane. How was I supposed to keep my mouth shut while she bragged about her “conquest” with you? I had you first.

Lisa L.

146x365
I was dumbfounded that you hid your pregnancy from your father by wearing a housecoat all the time. Was he blind? I hope whoever adopted your baby gave her a better life than your parents gave you.

Gregory

145x365
I don’t know what I saw in you, other than I thought you looked like Alistair from “You Can’t Do That on Television.” You were total white trash. I wonder what menial job you’re stuck in now.

Carl

144x365
I’m sorry I was so mean to you. I was a terrible girlfriend, and I’m sorry I ruined your friendship with Gregory. But come on, we were 14. And if it’s any consolation, it wasn’t worth it.

Jimi

143x365
You had three strikes against you before we even got to our destination. You’re an idiot, a jerk, and a boor. That’s why I wouldn’t go out with you again. Your cheesy moustache didn’t help matters, either.

Craig W.

142x365
I can’t figure out if you like me, hate me, or just think I’m ridiculous. Sometimes I think it might be a little of each. In any case, I think you’re cool and I admire your stoicism.

James

141x365
Three years, thousands upon thousands of phone minutes, emails, and flight miles, countless gifts, cards, and postage…for what? Thanks for wasting time, energy, and money I could have spent doing something much more fulfilling with my life.

Tom

140x365
So I asked you out on a date. Big deal. You didn't have to freak out and act like such a weirdo about it when a simple "no" would have sufficed. Oh well. It’s your loss, anyway.

Dr. Cox

139x365
I loved that you took a holistic approach to my therapy instead of just hooking me up to a machine and leaving me there like the other guys. You helped so much, and I often recommend you.

Chase

138x365
The next time someone says I talk a lot, I’m going to introduce them to you. I’ve never met someone with so much to say – so early in the morning no less. You totally crack me up.

Ruby

137x365
I alternately hope and fear the astrological predictions of you turning out like me are true. You have the advantage, though, of parents much better equipped to deal with it than mine were. Have fun with it!

Kaura

136x365
From the minute I saw you born, you have never ceased to impress, amaze, and amuse me. I wish I could spend more time with you, but I think your mom is afraid I might corrupt you.

Maeve

135x365
You’re only six years old, but you’re already a fabulously intelligent, creative, funny, caring person. No surprise, given your parentage, of course. I can’t wait to see what you do to this world when you’re grown up.

Andrew

134x365
I can’t decide if it’s your cocky attitude, your weirdly angular shape, or your pupil-less eyes, but something about you just really rubs me the wrong way. I know it’s juvenile, but I really can’t stand you.

Kim D.

133x365
“How much are stamps in New Hampshire?” I liked that you wore “Dumb Blonde” like a badge of honor, and sprayed your hair impossibly high. Donuts in mud, eggs, and Beam always make me think of you.

Steve P.

132x365
You were a fun roommate. Remember the song I made up about the “Bill Mar (E miiiinnooooooooor!) Fancy Turkey Breast?” I still can’t believe you got drunk and slept with my friend while she was visiting.

Wendy M.

131x365
You were hilarious. I really liked you and wish we could’ve stayed friends, but after the Kristine situation it was kind of impractical. I picked up your book a few years ago and thought it was fantastic.

Kristine

130x365
I exhausted you and caused our friendship to crash and burn. In my defense, you were my first real girlfriend in Chicago, and I guess I just didn’t know the proper protocol for female friendship. I’m sorry.

Brett

129x365
It wasn’t until I found myself on the other side of a similar situation that I understood you. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. You’re a really good guy. I hope you found someone who appreciates that.

Thom

128x365
You seemed awesome, but you’ve turned out to be one truly fucked-up individual. False modesty, dubious history, two failed marriages, endless drama - all red flags. I really wish I’d something nicer to say about you right now.

NM

127x365
Why do you sniff your fingers all the time? You are neurotic, obnoxious, paranoid, and obsessive. No wonder your wife hates you. You would be cute if you weren't such a weirdo freak. You annoy me immensely.

Tall Mocha, No Whip

126x365
Okay, so you’re hot and you know it. Do you REALLY have to do that “sexy eyes” thing when we hand you your change? I mean, come on - you even do it to the guys. Stop it!

Cowboy John

125x365
You’re crazy and you make no excuses for it. You just do your thing; a cowboy one day, a gangsta the next, a soldier after that. I just wish you wouldn’t change your costumes in our bathroom.

Mary Lou

124x365
Someone told me you were beautiful before the mental illness set in. You sure do love your nails and your Avon, but do you have to make yourself look like Mrs. Potatohead? Just how ill are you?

Tim

123x365
I get excited to see you every morning, and I wonder if you know that I find you incredibly attractive. Unfortunately, your wife probably does, too. She’s a lucky lady. Oh well. I can still look, right?

Twice in a lifetime!

Well, I *had* a photo of the event, but for some reason the memory stick on my camera shit the bed, and I lost all my photos - like, all 400-some-odd photos from the last year, and I'm feeling a little sick over that. I have NO idea how it happened. It was fine this afternoon, and I got home tonight and *poof* they were all gone.

So you'll just have to take my word for it...but I met Henry Rollins AGAIN!

He played an intimate little show in Rochester last night, and I braved the harsh elements to drive out there. Luckily I'd had the wherewithal to anticipate nasty weather and the late hour at which I'd be getting out of the show, so I booked a room and stayed the night. I was on the guest list, so I got into the show for free, but there was no backstage pass deal this time. This time I just went outside and waited by his bus with the rest of the folks willing to stand in freezing rain to meet The Man. We waited about 15 minutes, and when he exited the building, he came up to us and said, "You are all out of your fucking minds!" We laughed and he came up to each of us. I showed him the photo from the last time we met, and though he didn't remember me, he told me he was glad I could make it out. The visit this time was much more rushed, mainly due to the weather (it really was nasty - I had photos of my ice-crusted car as well, but those evaporated with the rest of them), but still he took the time to autograph my copy of A Dull Roar (see attached photo taken post-memory stick-crash) and pose for a photo (which was one of the ones lost in said crash). I'm consoling myself over the loss of the photo by reminding myself how awful I looked in it. Ha.

Anyway, in light of this awesome event, I'm dedicating today's x365 to Henry!

Henry

122x365

You are, in every sense, a Renaissance Man for our generation. You've been my hero ever since your words saved my life (I'm not kidding - they did). I'm glad I got to tell you that in person.

Garrett

121x365
You are so weird. Sometimes it’s a good, fun weird, sometimes it’s a "dude, what the fuck?” weird. Maybe it’s because you’re from Indiana, I don’t know, but sometimes you’re just over the top. Like, way over.

Jeremy

120x365
I had such a crush on you, even though you were much younger than me. Then I saw your Facebook profile and found out you were a staunch conservative. The crush went away pretty quickly after that.

Paul B.

119x365

You were so cute, and I was devastated when we broke up. I think your mom thought I was devil spawn, but she still let us hang out in your room, which I thought was pretty cool.

Dot

118x365
Your eyes were sunken and watery with age, but you were cool, sassy, funny, and you let my boyfriend’s band practice in your basement. We’d sit and listen from upstairs, talking and smoking until they were finished.