Lauren

209x365
It’s been five years since you stole that cash from my register to pay your plastic surgeon. So I wonder now that you’ve had some time with them – were your boobs really worth the criminal larceny record?

Dr. Cromwell

208x365
Thirty-seven years ago today you pulled me out into the world. You were witness to a phenomenon – it was my due date, and it’d be the first and only time I’d ever not be late for anything.

Dee

207x365
Who’d have known that all these years later I’d end up working for you? I’m grateful for having been given the opportunity and think it’s a great move for my burgeoning career. I hope I don’t disappoint.

Meg

206x365
You’re really nice, but holy crap, would you PLEASE take it down a notch or five? No one likes to be upsold before their morning coffee, least of all by a high-pitched, bubbly cheerleader. And stop bouncing!

Bus Driver Ann

205x365
Why do you keep losing passengers? I know it’s not really your fault that they wander off and disappear, but those stops were like the Bermuda Triangles of Greyhound. That’s why I stayed on the whole time.

John McCrea

204x365
Thanks for being so cool and gracious to my dorkiness. I’ve been a fan of your band for over ten years, but I’ve only gotten to see you play three times. Please play more East Coast shows.

Bob

203x365
I’m jealous that you rollerblade so fearlessly, and you crack me up. Sometimes I wish it’d worked out differently with you and Chris, but things work out how they’re meant to, and I’m glad you’re still friends.

Robbie

202x365
I caught a fleeting glimpse of you once and heard you a few times. Even when we were introduced you wouldn’t look at me, so I’ve no idea what you look like. No wonder Chris hates you.

Adam L.

201x365
Yours is the most amazing transformation I’ve ever seen. And the fact that you did it without drugs or surgery blows my mind. But please do be careful with the newfound liberties – thin does not equal indestructible.

Duane Reade

200x365
I don’t know you or if you’re even an actual person. Regardless, thank you for putting one of your stores in Port Authority station. At that moment, I'd never in my life needed duct tape so badly.

Bus Driver #2

199x365
I don’t know if you were drunk, tired, or just a straight-up maniac, but more than a few times I was sure we were all going to die. Find a different job. You suck at this one.

Terry from Subway

198x365
It’s nice having a fellow rat lover to talk to. It’s even nicer to have someone who loves rats AND gives me deals on food. Now if you could just hire some un-retarded help, that’d be awesome.

Stephanie

197x365
I’m happy for you, but bummed that you’re leaving in what feels like the prime of getting to know you. I’ve especially enjoyed these last couple weeks – I never realized until recently how funny you can be.

Marianne

196x365
Everybody thinks I’m being mean, but I honestly think you used to be a man. I’m not judging; I’m just sort of obsessively intrigued by the way your ultra-feminine dress is offset by your decidedly un-feminine physique.

Brock

195x365
I'm glad you and John had a good laugh at my expense. I might be a fat chick, but you're a fat hairy dude with really awful fashion sense. What else should I’ve expected from a Cheesehead?

A.S.

194x365
Not only does your voice make me want to stab forks in my ears, you’re also astonishingly dumb. I’d call you an airhead, but I think that’d be a compliment. I think vacuumhead would be more appropriate.

Junko

193x365
I had $1700 in my hot little hands, and you were the first travel agent I found who actually acknowledged this fact. Not only that, you were polite, helpful, and accommodating with my questions, too. Arigato gozaimasu!

Bill Lusk

192x365
I still remember the time you accidentally broke our basement window with the basketball. You were actually pretty cool, until you married Kathy. Then you just became a big pussy. Why did she call you “Nate,” anyway?

Uncle Eddie

191x365
I got your birthday card today. It cracks me up that I haven’t seen you in 22 years but you still include money. You’ll always be Uncle Fun – and the guy responsible for launching my hippie phase.

Mr. O'Shei

190x365
All I really remember about you is that gross stringy spitball when you talked. I ran into your son recently – he was five when you were my sixth grade teacher. He’s now 30. That blows my mind.

Mom (Happy Mothers' Day)

189x365
Our relationship is kind of bizarre. There is so much about me you don’t know, understand, relate to, or appreciate - yet we pee ourselves laughing over stuff like enormous plastic gloves in the dollar store. Funny.

Marcus

188x365
How unfair that I lusted after you for months, and then I got my chance and it sucked. Seriously. You were so hot, but you were awful in bed. Now I know why it’s called a crush.

Erica

187x365
You’re one of my favorite customers because you’re nice, you’re cool, and you tip. I love how you always let us keep the dollar but take the twenty cents. What do you do with all those dimes?

C.B.

186x365
I thought I was bad, but at least I care enough to try hard. You do understand that in the real world you’re going to have to actually show up to work and adhere to deadlines, right?

K.Q.

185x365
I don’t not like you, but look; I’m big, loud, flaky, underemployed, and live in squalor most of the time. You’re an overdriven neat freak with traditional Asian values and no sense of humor. It’d never work.

S.F.

184x365
I’m sorry you got left out, and I feel bad that your work won’t be seen. But at the same time I feel strangely better about myself, because for once I wasn’t the fuckup. Is that bad?

So Sue Me: Dr. Susan M.

183x365
I really admire how you manage to skirt the issue of your own sexuality when discussing gender issues and family values. I think you’re way cool. The lesbian couple in the second row thinks you’re the bomb.

So Sue Me: Freshman Sue

182x365
You were the quintessential Massatoilet Party Girl. That was nice of your parents to let us crash at your house after the Jerry Band fiasco weekend. You left after freshman year, I think to have a baby.

So Sue Me: Aunt Sue

181x365
I know you’re not bad, and I feel like my family really put you through the wringer. In truth, I admire you for raising two decent kids and not letting the bullshit drive you off the edge.

So Sue Me: Target Sue

180x365
I didn’t know what to do when you told me your mom died. I managed an "I'm so sorry," but I don't really know you well enough to hug you, although I felt afterwards like I should’ve.

So Sue Me: Sue T.

179x365
I have a hard time believing you’re as awful as your kids say you are. I think you’re okay; you seem like any other typical middle-aged mom who just wants her grown children out of the house.