Andrea O.

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I hope we’ll stay in touch after I graduate next year. You’re a great person and a wonderful teacher. I feel like you’re really going to be able to help me navigate the world of Deaf Services.

Tommy Manzi

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I was hoping you’d be at last night’s show, but I didn’t know if managers actually travel with the band, so I didn’t ask. But thanks so much for hooking me up. Further evidence that Cake rules.

Louis

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I didn’t pick you for any other reason than you were sitting closest to me. Your girlfriend seemed pissed at first, but hopefully I made it clear that I was addressing the entire group, not just you.

SPCA Lady

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I could understand if you’d confused a rat for a mouse, but you seriously thought Phyllis was a guinea pig? I should tell everyone I have 13 guinea pigs instead of rats and see how reactions differ.

John E.

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I’m completely convinced there’s nothing you can’t do. Honestly, I’ve not had one class with you where you didn’t kick serious ass. Your future is very, very bright, kid. I’ll know you’ll do great things with it.

George Foreman

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I know I’ve never met you, but I just want to say that your grill is like the best fucking thing ever. I’m kicking myself for not having bought one earlier. I mean, I actually cook now.

Ke

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You were this quiet little Asian kid who worked hard, loved his sporty import ride, and drank a lot of milk. Now you’re all built up and not so quiet, but everything else is still the same.

Tall five-sugar latte

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Why are you always so rude? Is it because you know we still, four years later, screech hysterically about the time your tube top fell down? You know Ke is scarred for life because of that incident.

William "18 pump raspberry latte"

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You order so much sugar in your beverage that I often think we should make you sign a waiver. No wonder you’re so miserable – your blood sugar is probably off the charts.

Sara Parsons

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I’m so psyched to have an astrological compatriot at work. Maybe my behavior will make a little more sense to everyone now that there are two (or four, if you want to get technical) of us there.

Kacey

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Remember how you used to be really uptight and how we used to not get along? I’m glad those days are over, because hanging out with you is fun, even if we don’t do it very often.

Ron G.

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They started not scheduling us on the same shift because we were so obnoxious together. But I couldn’t help it; you brought out my inner 10-year-old. I’m psyched for you that your band is doing so well.

Dave M.

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That you stood up for me when I was being railroaded spoke volumes about your character, even if you were a pain in the ass to work with sometimes. Thanks for all those awesome back rubs, too.

Patti D.

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I like you so much better than Lisa. I’m still slightly afraid of you because you’re the DM (and as such can tank my job if you want), but you’re much more approachable than she ever was.

Patty R.

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At first I wasn’t sure how we’d get along, but I think being the same age has worked to our advantage. I like that you treat me like I know what I’m doing. Because, well, I do.

Katie

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You’re like the nicest lady ever, but you evidently haven’t taken a shower in years. Is the weird crusty skin thing the reason you don’t bathe, or is not bathing causing the weird skin thing? You stink!

Trash Guy

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Why are you an asshole? I never caused you any trouble, yet you’ve thrown away two of my city totes, one galvanized can, and two recycling bins. What the hell? What did I ever do to you?

Margaret P.

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You’re mid-fifties but look 40. You’d think elementary teachers would age faster, but maybe those kids keep you young. Maybe your husband bought you some of that youthful glow. Either way, you’re beautiful and I like you.

H.S.

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You don’t seem to have much to say to me these days. I thought we were friends, but maybe you’re tired of me. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time. I’ll try not to take it personally.

JP

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I used my ID card to get into the studio. I logged in with a BSC password. I mentioned Advertising files on my desktop. Then you asked if I’m a student here. And they pay you money?

Danyell W.

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You’ve always rubbed me the wrong way. You’re weird, you never smile, you’re kind of rude, and you’ve got a small army of kids. But someone must like you, because you’re pregnant with your sixth one now.

Norah E.

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You can turn literal rags into cute ensembles, taking “Bohemian Chic” to a whole new level. I wish I could get away with some of the outfits you put together, but youth is not on my side.

Tim Shields

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You were adopted and looked so much like Peter Brady we joked that you were Christopher Knight’s illegitimate son. I put steak knives with the butter knives just to annoy you, but you were a good roommate.

Sarah Mills

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You were an insufferably depressed, messy, immature roommate. You moved out by throwing your trash-bagged belongings out your bedroom window. At least we got a laugh out of it when Alex crapped in your empty room afterwards.

Booch

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Your mom was unsympathetic to your financial plight until she found out you had no cigarettes. Two days later a carton of Winstons arrived in the mail. You were from “Medfehd” and were the funniest roommate ever.

Bartender at the Pink

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I came in night after night, alone, and I’d sit quietly nursing my beer, thinking and people watching. You always gave me good service and something nice to look at, and I secretly nicknamed you “Captain Youngbeard.”

Alex M.

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Of all my friends’ husbands, you’re my favorite. Easy-going, comfortable company, you’re an amazing husband and father to two people I hold very dear. That makes you more than just Jenn’s husband; you’re my friend as well.

Michael G.

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You are immensely fucking creepy. Do you know how it looks when you constantly meet young boys in our parking lot? We call you “The Pedophile.” I shudder to think that our speculations are true. OMG. Yuck.

Steve H.

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You’re a fantastic neighbor, but when I’m hurrying off to work I don’t have time to chit-chat. I just hope you understand I’m not blowing you off – I’m trying not to be late. Again … nothing personal.

Nancy H.

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Not only do I have that privacy thing, my house is always a disastrous mess, which is why I’ve never in five years invited you or anyone else on our street to come inside. It’s nothing personal.