So Sue Me: Susan C.

178x365
I liked you. I had lots of fun with you. I related to you. But my biggest mistake was confiding in you. I thought it was the start of a great friendship, but apparently you thought otherwise.

So Sue Me: Susan W.

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I call you “The Stepford Wife” because you’re so weirdly robotic and mechanical in your speech and mannerisms. It’s slightly disconcerting. You’re super nice and extremely polite, but it just feels forced, like you’ve been programmed.

Jody

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I like that we get along now, that you’re seeing things from my perspective, and that we commiserate about the bullshit. I wish you weren’t my superior; I think we’d have a lot of fun hanging out.

Harry K the Mary Kay Man

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You are an arrogant prick and proud of it. But I can’t possibly take you seriously, because not only are you a dickhead, you sell Mary Kay. You are a Mary Kay Man. Holy shit, that’s funny.

Alex

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I never knew if you were a masculine woman or an effeminate man, and your name didn’t help matters. But then you paid with a card and I figured it out. I’m wondering if maybe you’re reassigning.

Dr. O'Sullivan

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Wee little Irishman, I wish I’d found you sooner. You’re the best. Please don’t die or retire any time soon. I deserve a few years of decent medical care by a good doctor after what I’ve endured.

Yes, I realize everything sucks lately

Looking at the last couple weeks' worth of posts, most are written about people who've pissed me off in one way or another. Now, I'm pretty sure that most every blog-watcher on Planet Deedums knows me well enough to know that I get into these sorts of funky ruts where I seem to hate everyone and everything, but for those who don't know, my life right now is a veritable trainwreck. Because of such, I'm feeling a little barmy these days.

When I sit down to write my x365 post of the day, I usually write about the first random person who pops into my head. If my life at the moment is full of people who are getting on my nerves - whether as a result of their personalities or because of my mood at that particular time - they earn the dubious distinction of becoming "A-listers" of sorts, figures on the forefront of my saturated brain. Sometimes, in the interest of time conservation, I'll write out a few entries ahead of time. When this happens, I tend to "clump" the entries; one guy will earn an entry, and the next day his wife becomes my next victim. Or one customer gets written up and it spawns a string of customers over the next few days. And even if you don't suck all the time, chances are if you pop into my head during one of these funks, I'm not going to remember the Ratatouille corkscrew you gave me when my dog died, I'm going to remember how you stabbed me in the back. You see how my brain works?

So that's all I really wanted to say. I'm not as angry as I come across, and contrary to what the blog might make you believe, I don't hate everyone, just the ones who suck. I sure do get easily annoyed sometimes, and well, to know me is to love my sarcasm and my wry sense of humor (not everyone gets that, you know), and to understand that it's my therapy. Otherwise I'd lose my job and end up in jail. And that would suck.

Dr. Stachnik

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I thought Cornell churned out the best and brightest. You told me to treat Rosie with carbaryl powder, but when I looked for it, I discovered that it’s actually toxic to rats. Thank God for the Internet.

Kathy F.

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I saw you once, in passing. You’re much cuter and less matronly than I thought you’d be. Sometimes I wonder if you’re clueless about your husband’s indiscretions, or if you know but just don’t give a shit.

Lisa L (2)

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I remember feeling so bad for you when your girlfriend ran off with the kid. It had to have been difficult to be gay in such a small town. I hope you found happiness in bigger places.

E.S.

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You’re a really difficult read. I can never tell if you’re happy, sad, mad, upset, or just tired. Now I know what they meant when they said I was the same way. You make me really uncomfortable.

Tim S.

168x365
It’s too bad your boyfriend is such a back stabber. You’re a fascinating guy, and I really liked how you did my hair. I’ll still recommend you, but I’m really gonna miss you. *Sigh* ... Back to Supercuts.

Ryan

167x365
My back still hurts from the knife you stuck in it. Why did you do that to me? What did I do to deserve that, anyway? I lost a really good hairstylist in the package, too. Damn.

Scott

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I understand you felt slighted, but you flipped out so quickly, and in an angry flash one of my best friends was gone. What made it suck worse was that you did it when I was sick.

Terri

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Your grossly conspicuous public displays of affection only reinforce the theory that your husband is overcompensating for something. I disliked you slightly less than him until I saw you hit your dog. Now I detest you, too.

Bruce

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I detest you. I don’t know how else to put it. You talked to me once like I was stupid, and I’ve never forgiven you. Oh, and someone really should tell your wife you’re gay. Jerk.

Rose

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My first impression of you was not a favorable one at all. I mean, shit, all I did was ask a question about my bill. No need for you to get all agitated and preachy about it.

Northtown Mike

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You’re not a bad guy, and I’m sure you don’t even realize you’re doing this, but we all really wish you’d stop getting poop on the toilet seat every morning. We have to clean that, you know.

Americano Dave

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That dye job is awful and you’ve got this sort of pervy look about you. Your girlfriend is conspicuously absent most of the time, and when she comes in she’s wacked out. We think you’re drugging her.

CNA Rachel

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Just some friendly advice: spend less time in the tanning booth and more time learning how to work that ear thermometer. And if you're going to work with asthma patients, you should probably lay off the perfume.

RT Alex

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Holy crap, are you happy! Not that I don’t appreciate the energy and enthusiasm you have for your job, but first thing in the morning while I’m choking down bad pancakes and rubber bacon...it’s a bit much.

Marta

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I feel like a heel for complaining, but I wish they would’ve put me in a room with someone not quite so sick. Still, you seem to be weathering your situation with grace, and I admire that.

Quick update on my crappy lungs

For those of you who don't already know, I have been trapped in the hospital since Monday night. I won't go into gross detail, but in a nutshell, my lungs took a giant crap and I came in with what they initually thought was pneumonia but turned out to be an acute case of bronchitis that exacerbated my asthma to the point where my lungs would not expand and I couldn't breathe. Yeah, it was scary.

So here I sit. I was hoping to get sprung today and be allowed to continue to recover at home, but it looks like that's not happening until tomorrow. My house, however, is a huge mess (like, remember those "before" pictures from the summer?) so I can't really have visitors...unless, of course, you feel like coming over to help me clean (since I can't really do much in the way of physical exertion for a few more days), hahahaha!

No, but really, while rest and relaxation are a big part of recovery, so is exercise. I have to get up and move around and prove that I can walk more than a few feet without the oxygen before they'll let me go home (because I don't want to bring an oxygen tank home with me - I just don't). So I've been up periodically throughout the night, taking the cannula off and doing spirometer exercises. My peak flows are still at about half of what they should be, but I'm getting better nonetheless.

So again, thanks to everyone who's come out and kept me company over the last couple of days and brought me goodies like Starbucks and orange soda and chocolates and much-needed health & beauty products and trashy magazines and especially to Sara who ventured forth into my abyssmal mess of a house to rescue my laptop and feed the pets - it's really meant a lot! This room can get pretty bleak and depressing, and having company has made a big difference. I'm still here for one more day, so come on by and join the party if you want. Sisters Hospital, room 427. Bring yer party hat!

Now back to our regularly scheduled blog...

Carla

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Who knew mechanical engineers could be such fun? You’re wildly hilarious, incredibly interesting, and terrifically thoughtful. Getting to know you these past few months has been an absolute blast. Do stick around Buffalo for a while, okay?

Nurse Kathy

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You're obviously very new and very nervous, and you're way too happy. It's almost endearing how you keep dropping things and register embarrassment when you ask me about my bowel habits, but you should get over that.

Joe G.

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Why didn’t we meet when I lived in Chicago? Fate really can be cruel. I hope you know that if I still lived there, your little celibacy problem would not exist. I'm one of your biggest fans.

Nick

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Will you just shut the fuck up? Seriously. Yeah, I know, you’re super talented and already know it all, but some of us aren’t so lucky, and have to actually pay attention. Nice headband, by the way.

Stan F.

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You’re an awesome person, a genius designer, and a cool professor. I’m so totally lost in your classes, but having a professor who takes into account disability, learning curves, and elbow grease has made them more bearable.

Holly

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It saddened me that you and M split up. You were one of my favorite couples, but now I see that it wasn't what it seemed. I hope you'll focus on healing and bringing peace to yourself.

Meaghan

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There’s a reason I wanted you to accompany me when I put Alex down. You are a terrifically solid, supportive, and strong person. Becoming friends with you has brought many lessons and much joy into my life.

Yukon John

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Just because your job affords you fourteen coffee breaks a day doesn’t mean ours does, too. We really don’t have time to listen to you go on and on about nothing at all. Plus, you're kinda creepy.

R.S.

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You are, hands down, the most psychotic person I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing. You fucking scare me. You scare everyone. That’s why you have no friends. You need serious help. Heavy medication wouldn’t hurt, either.