L.W.

239x365
I would never admit this to you because you might think I’m weird, but I’m alternately scared of and intrigued by you. You’re the epitome of cool, and beautiful in a strong, almost super-heroine kind of way.

Jack

238x365
I feel bad that we got kind of a bumpy start, but I hope you were sincere when you said you’d put it behind us. I have trust issues when it comes to people in your position.

Alison K.

237x365
I really liked working with you. And while I’m thrilled for you that you’re moving on to bigger and better things, I’m going to miss you and the grounded wisdom that made conversations with you so enjoyable.

Felice

236x365
You’re the quintessential used car salesman. Polite on the outside, but pure smarm inside. I’m glad I didn’t give in to you. Really, though, who would want to buy a used car from a guy named Felice?

Dave V

235x365
You’re scary. No wonder you’re successful at running a “Buy Here Pay Here” dealership. But seriously – $7000 for a 2001 Chevy with 104,000 miles that I couldn’t even test drive because it had a flat? No way.

Ken K. from Motor House

234x365
It’s not that I didn’t appreciate your efforts, but the other place got me financed within 30 minutes. You took more than a day, and the best you could do was a lender who wanted a cosigner.

Matt K. at West-Herr Chevy

233x365
There are not words to thank you for the strings you pulled to get me into this car. I mean, holy shit, you got me approved for a loan by GMAC. Do you walk on water, too?

Bob M.

232x365
“Please buy from a reputable dealer, even if that dealer’s not us,” you told me. Well…I did. I’m interested to see how sincere you were when I tell you this tomorrow. Sorry. West-Herr had a better deal.

Lady who pointed out the coffee stain on my shirt

231x365
Of course I knew there was a big, brown stain on my shirt. What a stupid question. I refrained from making a snide and inappropriate comeback about my “leaking colostomy bag,” but oh, I was so tempted.

James

230x365
You freak me out because you look exactly like someone from my past. I’ve never really talked to you aside from passing greetings, and I’m sure you’re a great guy; I just can’t get past those eyes.

Joe

229x365
We bonded initially over cigarette coupons that I gave you when I quit smoking. I used to think you were cocky, but you're actually very nice, and in reality I think you might be a little insecure.

Lady shopping with the ugly baby

228x365
I know - it was rude of me to keep staring, and it’s certainly not the poor child’s fault, but every time we passed each other I just kept thinking of that Seinfeld episode with the ugly baby.

Jill

227x365
When I make good on my intention to hang out more with your sister, I hope you’ll come along too. I want to talk to you without the pressure of seventeen cars behind you restricting the conversation.

Cece

226x365
I need to hang out with you more. You seem like you would be a lot of fun to party with, and the few glimpses I’ve caught of you in that respect make me suspect I’m right.

Ethel

225x365
Discovering that you’re #224’s mother definitely shed light on some things. No wonder she’s such a weirdo. I would be too if I’d grown up with you. I want to scream “JUST SHUT UP!” at you sometimes.

Tracy

224x365
We’re not going to hire you. Ever. Stop asking. We have our reasons, including the fact that you’re “allergic to caffeine,” and we’re a coffee shop. Plus, decaffeinated does not equal caffeine-free, so you’re full of shit.

Sheila

223x365
You used to work in the pharmacy, and now you’re a cashier. You said you “stepped down,” but my guess is they demoted you for being too weird to work with drugs. You give me the creeps.

Sharon

222x365
I like talking to you; you’re a neat old lady. Plus it cracks me up how you scoop out the inside of your bagel and make a little trough for the cream cheese before you eat it.

Dr. Sara

221x365
I like that you listen, although you hardly know me. I just feel comfortable around you because we’re the same age, and I kinda want to be friends. I think I’ll invite you to my next party.

Dan

220x365
Sorry if you were insulted when I laughed at you, but get real. Your biceps are huge, your neck veins bulge, and you expect people to believe that you just got that way from lifting frozen foods?

Dianne

219x365
Usually when a new person is talkative, it’s appreciated and welcomed. But you just rubbed me the wrong way with your incessant banal questions and proselytizing. Seriously, babe, we’re all doing the best we can right now.

Requiem for a car

Today I said my final goodbyes to my car. I know many of you are thinking "what a whacko" and wondering why the hell I seem obsessed with this piece of shit. Well, let me tell you.

When I bought the car, I did so on the heels of driving a series of embarrassments. There was the loud-as-hell Duster (who, actually, in her prime WAS a zippy little fun-to-drive car, but deteriorated rapidly into what's commonly known as "Old Plymouth Disease"). Before the Duster there was the Pontiac Sunbird Wagon that I paid $300 for and was held together with duct tape and spray paint, and had a driver's side door that didn't open from the inside. Before that was the Sentra that I crashed on Kimball Road my senior year of college. And before that...well, there was that glorious summer when I got to drive the GTO around town, wreaking havoc and striking fear in the hearts of my friends as I tore up the Southtowns in it, but it wasn't my car, so I can't really count it.

Anyway, when I bought my old red girl, it was a proud moment in my life. It was the nicest car I'd ever owned, and it was mine. To me it symbolized more than just a car. It symbolized my life as a grown-up, my "real" job, and the fact that I was now a card-carrying adult. Not only had I qualified for a loan for the second time in my life, but this time I'd qualified AND driven away with a car I was deliriously happy with. I remember the day I drove it off the lot, grinning from ear to ear. I think it took about three days before I could stop smiling. And I was one of those "watchers," you know, the people who can't help but watch their reflection in every plate glass window along their route.

At the insistence of my friend Gus, I had to name her. Other cars of mine had had names (the Duster was known as "Dusty" and the "Dustbuster" and the Sunbird was nicknamed "The Tank") but this car deserved something more dignified. She was thus crowned "The Red Baroness."

The Baroness, as she was more casually known, was my pride and joy. While there was nothing truly special or unique about her, I took pains to take care of her, washing and waxing every week, cleaning out the interior and doing little mini-details. Of course, if you know me you know that eventually I stopped doing that on a regular basis and often allowed the interior to resemble the inside of a Dumpster, but it didn't mean I loved her any less. In fact it was a testament to my love and familiarity with her that I filled her with my books, coffee cups, clothes, art projects, bank receipts, Mighty Taco bags, and water bottles.

In recent years she'd started to show her age. Her body was falling apart, but her mind and heart were still sharp. And when she would break down, I had a phenomenal mechanic who fixed her right up each time. Yes, I know I complained about her and the headaches she caused, but it was with the utmost endearment, much in the same way that people get frustrated with their elderly parents' failing faculties, or complain about their geriatric pets peeing on the carpet, or even bitch about the spouse they've been with for half a lifetime. I used to joke that I wanted someone to hit it in a parking lot so I could get a new bumper, but you know that old saying "careful what you wish for..." It's true. I certainly didn't want someone to LAND on the hood and render it a total loss, fercrissake. Sure, she had her issues, but I'd had her long enough (eight years!) to know which issues I could ignore and which ones needed to be addressed, and I felt comfortable and safe inside. Like an old lover, she was familiar, and most of all, she was mine. And no one can deny that that car had some fucking character.

So today was the final installment in the saga, and I turned the keys and the title over to the insurance company, took the plates off, and cleaned out all the stuff inside. I was amazed at some of the stuff I found, too. The original sale paperwork from the car dealership. Receipts from Chicago businesses. A letter from a boyfriend I had in 2001. A paystub from 2004. An earring I hadn't seen since I worked at Home Depot. And while I managed to stay pretty strong and not cry this time (I'd already done that a few times over the weekend, including the night I went and parked my rental car next to the shop yard and bawled my eyes out for a good 30 minutes), it was still very, very sad and bittersweet. I just loved that car. I know she was an old and tired hunk of junk, but she was MY old and tired hunk of junk.

It truly is the end of another era. Rest in Peace, Miss Red Baroness, wherever it is that totaled cars go to rest. And if someone picks you up at auction and fixes you back up, I hope they love you as much as I did.


P.S. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the armpits of Robert Weymouth, Jr.

Al from Joslyn

218x365
I bet you had no idea I was going to send your photo into menwholooklikekennyrogers.com. I probably would have won, too. I really wanted that belt buckle. Unfortunately, you fired me before I could get the photo.

WIVB Cameraman

217x365
Must have been a slow news day, or maybe it was just because the accident happened right next to the studio. In any case, thanks for not putting me on TV. I looked really gross that day.

Guy who told me to "Have some consideration"

216x365
He wasn’t hurt, and I knew that. You try coming out of a store and finding a Jeep on top of your car and see how YOU react, why don’t you? Fuck you and your consideration, asshole.

Halyna

215x365
Okay, I know I’ve never met you, but I’m curious anyway – what the HELL were you thinking when you lent that guy your car? I mean, you obviously know him; did you not notice that he’s retarded?

Jean from State Farm

214x365
You’re so consistently pleasant and helpful. Thanks for making me feel like a valued customer, and for softening the unpleasant task of paying car insurance. Oh, and thanks for hooking me up with that neat piggybank, too.

Cashier Pat

213x365
I’m a little annoyed that my car got wrecked while you were explaining that whole Cradle Beach thing. If you’d just cashed me out and let me get out of there, I might have dodged that bullet.

Robert Weymouth, Jr.

212x365
What the hell were you doing? Just how fast were you going? You really wrecked more than my car. I hope your insurance throws down, because if they don’t, you are SO buying me a new one.

Stinky Paul

211x365
Has it ever occurred to you that I disappear because your cologne is so offensive that I can’t wait on you? Dude, seriously. You give me an instant asthma attack with that shit. You're a health hazard!

Miles

210x365
I keep running into you everywhere I go. I think it’s pretty funny, but we do just seem to have all the same friends. Thanks for keeping house music alive in Buffalo. I hope you’ll stick around.