Anne V.

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I know I might seem unfriendly. I’m not. I am, however, a private person and don’t ascribe to the whole "Mi Casa Su Casa" open-door mentality. Blame my mother for never letting me lock my bedroom door.

Brian

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You’ve been around much longer than usual this time. Does this mean you’re out of jail for good? I hope so. You’re really nice to look at, although a little shifty and difficult to talk to sometimes.

Jill K.

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I miss having you for a neighbor. It was so nice having someone close to my age living nearby, and that summer we spent talking and drinking on my porch was one of my favorite summers ever.

Erica S.

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There must be some sort of cosmic connection that makes us keep running into each other in random places at odd times. It’s hilarious, albeit a little weird. Maybe we should collaborate on a project or something.

Steve S.

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I'm loath to judge so hastily, but man … you’re an asshole. I know you think you’re funny, but you’re mostly condescending and sarcastic. Considering I’ve been called such myself, you’re not so hot in my book.

K.A.

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If I ever commit some really heinous crime, I’m going to blame it on having to repeatedly listen to that laugh. Honestly, it makes me want to stab myself in the eardrum and throw something at you.

Joe

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How can you not like a guy who wears a “Stop Plate Tectonics” t-shirt? I confess, however, that your ramblings about 8-bit servers, mayonnaise, and Dennis Kucinich can be a bit trying if my mood isn’t there.

Pam

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You're brilliant and wickedly talented – a pioneer on the Buffalo music scene, a retro diva, and an all-around awesome lady. I'm glad we're friends, though I am feeling kind of guilty for being so absent this summer.

David P.

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You were funny, brilliant, and my favorite after Joan (sorry, she was there all four years). We both lived in Chicago later on, but despite initial efforts never actually ended up getting together. Funny how time flies.

Colleen Coniglio

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Sometimes I fantasize about getting a doctorate in English. If I do, I’m going to look you up and tell you. Why? Because you were the only English teacher I ever had who gave me rotten grades.

Mrs. Auer

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I don't remember much about you, other than your name rhymed with lots of other words like "tower," "shower," "hour," "sour," and "flower." We invented little songs utilizing all these words, and you were cool with it.

Arnold D.

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You were always the tallest kid in the class by at least a head. I’ll never forget the year you came to my house on Halloween and told my mom you were dressed as a “Cowboy. Urban.”

Cherie T.

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You’re another one who was on a fast track to early death, jail, or the streets. Wild beyond your years, I’m guessing you ended up pregnant and living in a trailer before you could finish high school.

Shaanen

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You were so cute and everyone loved you, and even the teachers cut you extra slack…but you were such a fuckup. Lori and I both agree that if you’re still alive, you’re probably in jail or rehab.

Lori

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You’re another one from deep in my past. I didn’t know you personally then, but I like that we’ve connected over mutually separate memories and speculation about what happened to all those losers from our Allendale days.

Alicia

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I often wait on people I used to know– mostly high school friends and acquaintances. But holy crap, you and I rode the bus together in elementary school. You definitely win the “blast from the past” award.

CJ

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It might shut them up and make them happy, but all that fast food you feed your kids is going to cause big problems. It already is for the oldest one – she’s getting really fat. Poor kid.

Jilda

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I’d like to hang out with you because you seem like someone I’d really get along with, but I feel weird just being like, “Hey! Let’s be friends!” Making new friends at our age is awkward sometimes.

Lizard

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I knew the first time I saw you plow through a group of rich kids that we needed to be friends. I really miss you sometimes. But I hope wherever you are, you’re keeping my seat warm.

Maureen (aka Mabean)

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You were the first disabled person I knew. You taught me a lot, but mostly I dug rollerskating up and down your ramp. I always wanted to ride on your wheelchair, but your dad wouldn’t let us.

Reynolds

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You were the coolest old guy, with your tea and your hat and your Spanish books. I could sit and talk to you for hours about life, love, and lilies. I wonder where you are these days.

Matthew D.

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You’re in college, the same age I was when I first had your mom as a professor. Another couple years and you’ll be the same age I was when I started babysitting you. Color my mind blown.

Elizabeth D.

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I found you on Facebook and couldn’t believe that you’re in high school already. I thought about writing, but since you wouldn’t remember me, I thought it might be creepy. So I wrote to your brother instead.

Byron Brown

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Go ahead, write to Forbes contesting our position on their list of fastest dying cities, but fix the problems that put us there, too! Be a better mayor and you won’t have to write so many letters.

K.O.

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Your stories are outrageous and a symptom of deeper issues. Yeah, I know, I’m a notorious storyteller, too, but the big difference is that my stories are actually true. And I’ve got fifteen years on you, besides.

Larry

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Sometimes it’s hard to tell if you’re just being a nice guy or if you’re flirting with me. Don’t think I haven’t entertained the thought if the latter is the case, but you’re not really my type.

Nabiha

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You’re another one who just can’t get into the art of being consistently nice to customers. I always smile and say hello, but most of the time you make me feel guilty for coming through your line.

Tim at the bank

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I stopped using the drive-up window because walking looked painful for you. But even when I come inside you make that face like I’m ruining your day just by existing. Maybe that’s just how you always look?

Bonita

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For the longest time I’d never really thought of you as anything but Greg’s girlfriend. And to be honest, I had always figured you to be aloof. I’m glad I got to find out I was wrong.

Nicole T.

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Two years ago you were miserable and had practically given up on almost everything. Today you’re a homeowner and a bride-to-be. I’m thrilled for you! However, it's hard for me not to say, “I told you so!”

Tiffany N.

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While I’m really happy for you that you found a great new job, I’m sad that you’re moving, because I liked you; and I’m angry at this city for not making it more attractive to your generation.