Donny K.

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How can the guy who made it possible for me to meet my hero NOT get a mention here? Seriously, it meant the world to me, and I’ll never be able to thank you enough. Rock on.

Randy

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You’re a little bitch. Maybe it was from growing up with nine sisters, but dude, you DON’T play nice with others. How many band members will you go through before you figure it out? Get over yourself.

Damon

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I knew the second I saw you exchanging numbers with S it was a disaster in the making. It’s tough being in the middle between friends, but with all due respect, you did act like an asshole.

Danielle C.

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You and I were “best friends” only because your grandparents lived next door. We fought constantly and I disliked you most of the time. Your thumbs were huge, like big toes, and you had no coordination whatsoever.

Kari V.

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We stole butts from our parents’ ashtrays to “smoke” behind our garages. Whose idea was that? We were so young, we didn’t know what we were doing, but I unfortunately figured it out a few years later.

Sheryl

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It’s weird how some people click right away, but you and I did just that. And I always know that no matter how long we go between chats, we’ll always pick up right where we left off.

Pat Barry

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You and John were my first landlords, and I’m glad my first renting experience was positive. Plus you let me work off my rent at your catering business, which was not only cool, but prevented starvation, too.

Norine

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It all started twenty years ago at Bells. You are the definition of a true-blue friend. How else to define someone who drives 1000 miles on their wedding anniversary to help a friend pack up and move?

Gramma Audrey

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“Flower Gramma,” you never lost your Canadian-ness, even after forty years in the States. You used silly words like “veranda” and “oleo,” and said “eh.” Colleen and I still laugh about your thumbs on the steering wheel.

Michael

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Growing up with you was a lot of fun. Fond memories abound, with inside jokes that have lasted a lifetime and never get old. I’m glad we’ve stayed close; being a grown-up with you is fun, too!

Thomas

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You’re so lucky to have turned your incredible talent into a lucrative career, and I’m immensely proud of you. But I wish you’d lose that grudge against C. It was more fun when we all got along.

Eve

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I’m all about religious freedom, which is why people like you piss me off. I’m quite content in my beliefs. So, no, I don’t want you to tell me about your “really cool Christian church, “ thanks.

Mr. Getman

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Nobody hated you because you were fat, we hated you because you were a nasty, sadistic bastard with a fat complex who threw stuff at us. The fact that you were a math teacher didn’t help, either.

Mr. Graff

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You were my first male teacher. I was nervous. It kind of broke my heart when I ran into you two years later and you didn’t remember me; I’d tried so hard to make a good impression.

M.O.

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The adorability factor works in your favor most of the time, but some days I just can’t deal with your shit. Being cute does not give you license to do whatever the hell you feel like doing.

Rich Silvestro

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You were a funny little man, quiet but wry when the moment called for it. You could build amazing things out of nothing, and you taught me more about power tools than any shop teacher ever had.

Wendy Dwyer

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I danced like a moose on sedatives. Your words, but I agreed. We worked with what I could do instead of focusing on what I couldn’t. The wheeled cage for 3PO was my crowning moment. Freaking awesome.

Dr. Preston

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I was afraid to tell you I was leaving your program, because I worried you’d take it personally. Instead, you gave me your blessing and told me it was the best choice you’d ever seen me make.

Lee Dunholter

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You put me on a team with two guys who weren’t even theatre majors, and then called my presentation “cavalier.” You looked like Santa, spoke in monotone, and were impossible to understand under all that facial hair.

Bob Alvin

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You crotchety old coot, we all loved you, despite the fact that you made that difficult sometimes. You knew your shit, you taught us a lot, and I don’t think any of us will ever forget you.

Nancy Stone

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You were so happy and encouraging when I changed my major to Theatre. It was the first time in my life I felt like someone believed in me. I can’t begin to describe how much that meant.

Bob Weiner

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My whole life I’d wanted to act in a play, and all I needed was that one person to give me that chance. When you cast me in WSS, you became that person. It changed my life.

Magdalene H.

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Every day you hand us your credit card and a quarter for the tip jar. It’s small but thoughtful nonetheless. And hell, it used to be a dime, so we must be doing something right by you.

Jesse

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Bullshit artists are bad enough. Bad, cocky ones are the worst. Your mother isn’t in the Guinness Book as the oldest menstruating woman alive, and I bet she’d be mortified to know you’re telling people she is.

D.Y.

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You were a pathological liar with a sweating problem; older, overweight, and constantly and desperately hitting on anything with a pulse. I tried to be friends with you, but you just annoyed the shit out of me.

Andrew

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I harbor this weird little crush on you, though you’re totally NOT my type. You probably think I’m just being nice, though. And maybe I am. But I would definitely say yes if you asked me out.

"Venti Guinness Latte"

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We all hate you. The only reason you’re allowed in is because we have different management now, but don’t get too comfortable. You’re a racist, an asshole, and a creep; we’ll get you re-banned sooner or later.

Malka

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Did you know that your husband refers to you as “El Groucho?” You always look at me suspiciously ever since that day he complimented my eyes. Believe me, lady, you’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about there.

Yosef

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You’ve heard “stereotypes exist for a reason,” right? Way to perpetuate yours, with your constant haggling and your incessant attempts to get something for nothing. Honestly, it’s tiring and downright rude. It’s Starbucks, not a street market.

Vic

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What man breaks up with his girlfriend because her mom has cancer? Having to be nice to you at Starbucks SUCKS. We should have a rule that we’re allowed to be rude to friends’ jerky asshole exes.

Bob

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Please don’t break S’s heart. I think you’re really cool (even though you were mean to me once). She’s really into you. You make her happy. Please don’t ruin it; she deserves to be cherished by someone.