"Fallin' in love is such an easy thing to do,
but there's no guarantee that the one you love
is gonna love you."
-Aaron Neville
I am SO damn frustrated right now, I can't even think straight. I don't know why I do this to myself, but I continually fall for men I can't have. Why? Why? WHY?! And then when I meet one I could have, he's gotta have some dealbreaking trait?
And why do people INSIST upon blasting me for my standards? If one more guy decides to tell me I'm missing out on his great self because he has a kid (kids are a dealbreaker for me), I'm going to go out of my mind.
Look, there are some very special kids in my life. My 2-year-old niece is awesome. My friend Jenn's 3-year old, Maeve, is just about the coolest kid you could ever meet, and I love her to pieces. I'm an honorary aunt to Caitin and Kevin, Sofia, Elizabeth, and surely more to come (in fact there are two more on the way as I write this). But I do NOT want children of my own. It's a choice I have made based on the fact that I am irresponsible, immature, selfish, and prone to wanderlust. I have enough to handle with my pets; for me to take on the responsibility of a child would be the most irresponsible, unfair thing I could ever do to another human being. Therefore, I have a rule about dating men with kids. I won't do it.
I hate that people push this issue with me. When explaining my standards, there are people who will actually tell me that they're too high, that I should lower them if I want to "catch" a man. What they're failing to understand is that a man who does not meet my "high" standards is someone I don't deem worth catching anyway. It's not like I'm asking a lot. I don't care about his car or his bank account or his job. I care that he can drive, that he's not on a loan shark's hitlist, and that he has some source of income that isn't going to land him in jail. There are others, too, concerning education and hygeine, but the big one is kids. He simply cannot have any.
I have very little free time. Practically everything I do needs to be scheduled, sometimes down to the very minute. When I finally do get some downtime, if I have a significant other, I would like to spend it with him. If he's got custody of the kid that weekend, guess what? There goes my time. What if I decide I want to pack up and move halfway across the country? Can't do that if there are kids involved. Part of him will always be attached to his ex, the mother of his kids, and holidays are stressful enough without having to listen to him fight with her over who gets the kids for Christmas. I don't want them with me, that's for sure, so he gets to fight with me, too. Or even just a Friday night movie - god, it's been so long since I've been taken out on an actual date...just imagine my reaction at the news "sorry, I have to cancel - Emily is sick and my ex-wife has to work..."
Bottom line is that I would rather be alone than spend time with someone who can't give me 100% of his attention. If that makes me a selfish bitch, then I stand guilty as charged.
I'm going to go beat my head against the wall now.
Blar. Oh, but I've lost 28 pounds. Go me.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Stuck in the Middle
“I’m too young to be old, and too old to be young. Maybe I’m just goin’ crazy!”
-Evelyn Couch, “Fried Green Tomatoes”
I'm having serious identity issues lately. My whole life has been this kind of tug-o-war between two poles. I’m pretty sure it’s a Gemini thing, since we see everything with two sets of eyes, essentially. We are “dual citizens” of the astrological world, if you will. A Gemini sees everything from two sides, form two (often opposite) opinions on things, and as such can be opinionated but sympathetic.
Sound confusing? Okay, well, try being one.
“Behold the living dichotomy!” I used to like to say of myself. Growing up I was always stuck somewhere in the middle between accepting groups. For example, as a young teenager with my strict parents, Garfield book bag, and non-designer jeans, I was too much of a nerd for the cool kids – but my cigarette smoking, recreational drug use, concert t-shirts, and headbanging made me too cool for the nerds. I’ve always been too dorky to be cool, too cool to be a dork, too smart to be a dumb kid, too dumb to be a “brain.” I never quite fit in anywhere.
Even my body is a betrayal to itself. I’ve never been fat enough to be a “BBW,” but never thin enough to be considered “skinny.” But then again by most shallow men’s standards I’m fat no matter what I weigh. And my height? Oh, forget it. I’m just under 5’5”, like 5’4-5/8” or something. Just screwy enough that I’m too tall to be petite, but too short to be average. So all my pants are too long or too short. And since I usually opt for too long, most of them have dirty, torn hems from being dragged under my feet. I used to remedy this by wearing heels to compensate for the height:inseam issue, but man, I walk all day long now. No way am I sporting the 3- and 4-inch heels anymore!
Now that I’m back in school, the issues are becoming even more noticeable to me. I’m in classes with a bunch of 18- and 19-year-olds, and the girls are nubile and scantily clad, the guys are sideburned and hiply dressed…and I’m sure they’re all looking at me in my nondescript Old Navy and Target clothes, my “I insist that I’m still young enough to clip my bangs back” hairdo, and my slightly sagging face and thinking, “wow, that lady looks like my mom.” Even if I had the body to wear that kind of Abercrompostale stuff they all wear (which I never will, unless I win a spot on “Extreme Makeover,”), I’d look ridiculous – like I was trying to be something I’m not.
So how should I dress? Jeez, I don’t know! My typical “uniform” is a button-up shirt or a t-shirt, jeans, funky socks, and black Mary Janes. Sometimes I wear dress pants or khakis or even sometimes a skirt, but gone are the days of day-in-day-out business casual. It’s mostly denim these days. And while I swore I wouldn't do this, I have worn sweats to class on a couple occasions.
The hair is usually clipped back on the side to prevent the bangs from falling in my face. Jewelry is worn to a minimum – one or two rings, a necklace, a couple of earrings (not all 12 that my ears are pierced for), occasionally a bracelet. I’m thinking lately that I’m going to start wearing the nosering again – simply because I can.
I'm also thinking I need more ink. Too bad money's such an issue right now, or I'd get started on that backpiece that James always said would be the dealbreaker in our relationship.
This is a stupid entry, now that I look at it. I don't really know what the point was, other than to mull over my identity issues and try and work them out somehow through writing about them. It didn't work. I'm still confused. And I'm still stuck in the middle.
Blar.
But hey - I lost 23 pounds!
-Evelyn Couch, “Fried Green Tomatoes”
I'm having serious identity issues lately. My whole life has been this kind of tug-o-war between two poles. I’m pretty sure it’s a Gemini thing, since we see everything with two sets of eyes, essentially. We are “dual citizens” of the astrological world, if you will. A Gemini sees everything from two sides, form two (often opposite) opinions on things, and as such can be opinionated but sympathetic.
Sound confusing? Okay, well, try being one.
“Behold the living dichotomy!” I used to like to say of myself. Growing up I was always stuck somewhere in the middle between accepting groups. For example, as a young teenager with my strict parents, Garfield book bag, and non-designer jeans, I was too much of a nerd for the cool kids – but my cigarette smoking, recreational drug use, concert t-shirts, and headbanging made me too cool for the nerds. I’ve always been too dorky to be cool, too cool to be a dork, too smart to be a dumb kid, too dumb to be a “brain.” I never quite fit in anywhere.
Even my body is a betrayal to itself. I’ve never been fat enough to be a “BBW,” but never thin enough to be considered “skinny.” But then again by most shallow men’s standards I’m fat no matter what I weigh. And my height? Oh, forget it. I’m just under 5’5”, like 5’4-5/8” or something. Just screwy enough that I’m too tall to be petite, but too short to be average. So all my pants are too long or too short. And since I usually opt for too long, most of them have dirty, torn hems from being dragged under my feet. I used to remedy this by wearing heels to compensate for the height:inseam issue, but man, I walk all day long now. No way am I sporting the 3- and 4-inch heels anymore!
Now that I’m back in school, the issues are becoming even more noticeable to me. I’m in classes with a bunch of 18- and 19-year-olds, and the girls are nubile and scantily clad, the guys are sideburned and hiply dressed…and I’m sure they’re all looking at me in my nondescript Old Navy and Target clothes, my “I insist that I’m still young enough to clip my bangs back” hairdo, and my slightly sagging face and thinking, “wow, that lady looks like my mom.” Even if I had the body to wear that kind of Abercrompostale stuff they all wear (which I never will, unless I win a spot on “Extreme Makeover,”), I’d look ridiculous – like I was trying to be something I’m not.
So how should I dress? Jeez, I don’t know! My typical “uniform” is a button-up shirt or a t-shirt, jeans, funky socks, and black Mary Janes. Sometimes I wear dress pants or khakis or even sometimes a skirt, but gone are the days of day-in-day-out business casual. It’s mostly denim these days. And while I swore I wouldn't do this, I have worn sweats to class on a couple occasions.
The hair is usually clipped back on the side to prevent the bangs from falling in my face. Jewelry is worn to a minimum – one or two rings, a necklace, a couple of earrings (not all 12 that my ears are pierced for), occasionally a bracelet. I’m thinking lately that I’m going to start wearing the nosering again – simply because I can.
I'm also thinking I need more ink. Too bad money's such an issue right now, or I'd get started on that backpiece that James always said would be the dealbreaker in our relationship.
This is a stupid entry, now that I look at it. I don't really know what the point was, other than to mull over my identity issues and try and work them out somehow through writing about them. It didn't work. I'm still confused. And I'm still stuck in the middle.
Blar.
But hey - I lost 23 pounds!
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Holy NOLA...
Oh. My. God.
What's happening in New Orleans right now is breaking my heart. I mean, I can't even believe it's real. I'm not going to get into the whole heartwrenching tale of my attachment to and association with the place - if you know me, you know what it's all about. But my heart, like much of the Gulf Coast, is sinking rapidly as I watch the coverage.
I am so angry right now, so mixed up and upset and overwhelmed and oh, man...I can't even prioritize the emotions, like what to be more upset about and such. I'm upset because a city that I love is gone. I'm upset because George W. Bush slashed flood research and control budgets by nearly half in order to send more money (and troops) to that useless life-sized G.I. Joe game in Iraq. Now there is no money for aid and are no National Guardsmen to help down there. What the fuck is the matter with that turdsucking excuse of a president anyway?
I'm upset because it seems to get worse every morning when I wake up and turn on the news. I'm upset because I don't like seeing animals and people suffer. I'm upset that the Christian Right is insisting that this is the wrath of God speaking. I'm upset because the New Orleanian man I loved and spent three years of my life being involved with is weathering the situation with the woman he left me for. Even still I want to help him - and I feel even more helpless and sad that he wouldn't want my help anyway. *sob*
And on and on and on...
In any case, this has dredged up quite a few musings on messageboards all over the place, as well as within my own mind, and I can't help but wonder - what exactly IS up with this? As previously stated, the Christian Zealots are screaming "Judgement Day!" but I don't agree with that. What I DO agree with, however, is that there is definitely karmic energy happening here. I don't think this is the wrath of God, but I do think that somewhere along the line, we pushed too hard, took too many chances, and threw the universe into some serious imbalance. I'm not blaming any one particular situation or entity for this part of it - just the human race and the natural tendency to want to progress without regard to the consequences.
I'm not one of these hippies who's going to scream about Global Warming and environmental degradation and how this is all the fault of SUV drivers - because it's not. We are all, in one way or another, responsible for the phenomenon. (While I have my own beef with SUV drivers, it has little to do with their environmental irresponsibility and everything to do with most of those retarded soccer moms not knowing how to pilot them properly. But that's another rant altogether). If you were born anywhere between, oh, 6000 B.C. and the present day, and live with any modern convenience, you have done your part to contribute, even if you've made a conscious effort to reduce your contribution. Unless you live completely self-sufficiently under a fallen tree in the forest and subsist on insects, raw fish, and leaves, you have offered up the ozone for some kind of sacrifice.
We take for granted that nothing really bad has happened on this level until last year. In the last year, we have seen entire cities, towns, and regions wiped out by hurricanes, floods, tsunamis, tornadoes, earthquakes. People, listen - Mother Nature is not a force to be reckoned with, and we are fools to be so cocky as to think she is! We are idiots to ignore the fact that there haven't been any major, major upsets in a while -- so naturally (no pun intended), we're due for some shit. Good old Mom Nature has been giving us little hints all along, but they've largely gone ignored or approached with a "we're bigger than you" attitude. Uh-uh folks. She doesn't work that way. As you can clearly see now.
Anyway, what I'm getting at here is reflected in this excerpt from a post I wrote on craigslist recently:
NOLA residents have known for ages that this kind of thing could and would happen, but no one ever thought it was going to happen in their lifetime. But now we see that it can - and does! What's next - California finally gets the earthquake that sends them crumbling into the Pacific? These threats are really real, as has been demonstrated by the last two natural disasters - Katrina and the Tsunami in South Asia. I'm not trying to be all Nostrodaman about it, but shit - it really COULD happen!
It's scary shit, people. So I guess what I'm saying is that it's time to really start paying attention. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other, take care of your community - you know, think globally, act locally, yadda yadda. Get the hell out and live life to the fullest - do the stuff you really want to do, tell the people whom you love how you feel, hug your kids, cherish your friends, etc, etc...because the way things are going, I fear some of us just might see the end of the world as we know it in our lifetime. A million people in New Orleans just did.
What's happening in New Orleans right now is breaking my heart. I mean, I can't even believe it's real. I'm not going to get into the whole heartwrenching tale of my attachment to and association with the place - if you know me, you know what it's all about. But my heart, like much of the Gulf Coast, is sinking rapidly as I watch the coverage.
I am so angry right now, so mixed up and upset and overwhelmed and oh, man...I can't even prioritize the emotions, like what to be more upset about and such. I'm upset because a city that I love is gone. I'm upset because George W. Bush slashed flood research and control budgets by nearly half in order to send more money (and troops) to that useless life-sized G.I. Joe game in Iraq. Now there is no money for aid and are no National Guardsmen to help down there. What the fuck is the matter with that turdsucking excuse of a president anyway?
I'm upset because it seems to get worse every morning when I wake up and turn on the news. I'm upset because I don't like seeing animals and people suffer. I'm upset that the Christian Right is insisting that this is the wrath of God speaking. I'm upset because the New Orleanian man I loved and spent three years of my life being involved with is weathering the situation with the woman he left me for. Even still I want to help him - and I feel even more helpless and sad that he wouldn't want my help anyway. *sob*
And on and on and on...
In any case, this has dredged up quite a few musings on messageboards all over the place, as well as within my own mind, and I can't help but wonder - what exactly IS up with this? As previously stated, the Christian Zealots are screaming "Judgement Day!" but I don't agree with that. What I DO agree with, however, is that there is definitely karmic energy happening here. I don't think this is the wrath of God, but I do think that somewhere along the line, we pushed too hard, took too many chances, and threw the universe into some serious imbalance. I'm not blaming any one particular situation or entity for this part of it - just the human race and the natural tendency to want to progress without regard to the consequences.
I'm not one of these hippies who's going to scream about Global Warming and environmental degradation and how this is all the fault of SUV drivers - because it's not. We are all, in one way or another, responsible for the phenomenon. (While I have my own beef with SUV drivers, it has little to do with their environmental irresponsibility and everything to do with most of those retarded soccer moms not knowing how to pilot them properly. But that's another rant altogether). If you were born anywhere between, oh, 6000 B.C. and the present day, and live with any modern convenience, you have done your part to contribute, even if you've made a conscious effort to reduce your contribution. Unless you live completely self-sufficiently under a fallen tree in the forest and subsist on insects, raw fish, and leaves, you have offered up the ozone for some kind of sacrifice.
We take for granted that nothing really bad has happened on this level until last year. In the last year, we have seen entire cities, towns, and regions wiped out by hurricanes, floods, tsunamis, tornadoes, earthquakes. People, listen - Mother Nature is not a force to be reckoned with, and we are fools to be so cocky as to think she is! We are idiots to ignore the fact that there haven't been any major, major upsets in a while -- so naturally (no pun intended), we're due for some shit. Good old Mom Nature has been giving us little hints all along, but they've largely gone ignored or approached with a "we're bigger than you" attitude. Uh-uh folks. She doesn't work that way. As you can clearly see now.
Anyway, what I'm getting at here is reflected in this excerpt from a post I wrote on craigslist recently:
NOLA residents have known for ages that this kind of thing could and would happen, but no one ever thought it was going to happen in their lifetime. But now we see that it can - and does! What's next - California finally gets the earthquake that sends them crumbling into the Pacific? These threats are really real, as has been demonstrated by the last two natural disasters - Katrina and the Tsunami in South Asia. I'm not trying to be all Nostrodaman about it, but shit - it really COULD happen!
It's scary shit, people. So I guess what I'm saying is that it's time to really start paying attention. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other, take care of your community - you know, think globally, act locally, yadda yadda. Get the hell out and live life to the fullest - do the stuff you really want to do, tell the people whom you love how you feel, hug your kids, cherish your friends, etc, etc...because the way things are going, I fear some of us just might see the end of the world as we know it in our lifetime. A million people in New Orleans just did.
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