Sirius-ly amusing (warning: explicit)

I have Sirius/XM satellite radio in my car. I usually only listen when I'm on long drives or am bored with the selection of CDs in the car, but when I do listen I'm a little overwhelmed by all the choices. Not unlike satellite television, it's essentially 300 stations with nothing on.

Tonight, though, as I was scrolling through while stuck in Boulevard traffic among the other last-minute Halloween shoppers, I stopped when I thought I heard the woman say "Pyrex glass dildo."

Now, I don't have the best hearing in the world, so I thought, "no, that can't be right. She probably said, "Fine, let's ask Bill, though." Or something. I mean, with my hearing (or lack thereof), it's entirely possible I'd heard it wrong. So I backed up and continued listening. I hadn't heard incorrectly. It was the "OutQ" station, the LGBT channel, and it was some sort of sex show. So of course I had to listen.

In my younger days, I used to listen to Dr. Ruth, huddled in my room with the radio under my pillow, or with the earphone in my ear (does anyone remember those primitive "ear bud" style mono earphones?) lest my parents hear what I was up to. Much of what I learned about sex I learned from Dr. Westheimer, in fact, and I can still remember as a young woman fumbling around with my boyfriend and thinking, "Oh, I remember this from Dr. Ruth!" But really the point I'm trying to make here is that I'm morbidly curious when it comes to other people's sex lives. Not people I know, though, so please don't tell me about yours, thanks.

So I'm listening to this show, and the hosts (two women) are casually and matter-of-factly dishing out advice to gay, lesbian, and straight callers alike, and not mincing words or hesitating to toss out slang in the process. They discussed proper sanitation techniques for toys (don't put latex in the dishwasher, folks - it's porous and will degrade quickly), positions when one is partially incapacitated with a broken limb (draw your own picture on that one), and demographics of their listeners (3:1 male to female - big surprise, heh). Then I listened intently as one woman explained the mechanics and logistics of the cock ring to a gay man whose partner was having, you know, issues. Man, this was WAY better than Dr. Ruth. But of course after a while my attention started to waver, so I decided to make my way up the dial.

Imagine my amusement when I discovered the very next station up was Radio Disney. Ha! From cock rings to the Jonas Brothers. Awesome. The next channel up from Disney...KidsPlace! Even funnier! But just when I thought it couldn't get any more hysterical, I clicked on to the next channel and it was...

The Catholic Channel.

Heeeee!

It was a good thing I'd gone to the bathroom at Target, because I think I would have wet myself. Man, irony rules.

Dear Insomnia

Dear Insomnia,

Look. I understand why you like to hang around. I don't do a whole lot to discourage you. I mean, I'm up at 3:45 a.m. one day and up 'til 2:00 a.m. the next. Sometimes I pull an all-nighter, although with age those have gotten fewer and farther between. Between a job that goes anywhere from 4:30 in the morning until 11:30 at night, and two classes that meet until 9:00 p.m., I'm all over the place. Then sometimes I do something silly like drink a 20-ounce Mountain Dew at 10:00 the night before I'm having surgery on my mouth. As if worrying about teeth and gum tissue being dug up and rearranged (and the cost of said procedure) weren't enough to keep me tossing and turning! You hardly needed any help with that one, did you?

*Le sigh*

Even when I try and get a full night's sleep, you're there, waiting in the wings to pounce on me before I can get to the REM stage. Almost like clockwork, you shake me awake every 3 hours. But Insomnia, you're never around when I need to be awake, are you? Nope. Where the hell are you when I'm nodding off in class, snapping at a co-worker, or nearly driving my car into a tree? You're probably taking a nap. Asshole. Oh, and hey - thanks for those dark circles under my eyes.

Not too long ago I got some painkillers from the doctor. They were the kind with an orange label, and I thought, "YAY! These will knock me out!" Then I found out that they have a potentially fatal interaction with one of my other medications. Well, you know how I'm always saying, "I'll sleep when I'm dead?" I decided to hold off on that one for a while. Insomnia: 1, Deedee: 0.

Well, I guess at least I could thank you for the many sunrises you've allowed me to see. Sunrises are beautiful, you know. I just wish I could enjoy one after a full night's sleep. Could you cut me a break one of these nights? Please?

Thanks.

Love,
*yawn*
Me.