It's my pity party, and I'll cry if I want to.

I'm 40 today. The big Four-Oh. And everyone keeps telling me that my life begins today.

Good God, I hope so.

I'm trying really hard to be positive about everything, but you know, Mother Nature is a sick bitch, and she decided that this would be a good day for me to start my period. So for the last three days or so, my hormones have been raging, sending me in all kinds of tailspin-like crying jags.

One of the things that has me reeling so hard? Weddings. There were a couple of them this weekend. Not ones I was invited to, thank God, but still - Facebook grants us the great privilege of being able to see photos in near real-time, and so I was treated to photos of lovely brides almost immediately after their weddings. Very lovely brides. Very young, very lovely brides. And then I remember: Oh yeah. I was supposed to get married this year. But I'm not. And hey, I'm 40.

*sob*

Even though my would-be wedding wasn't going to be a huge affair to begin with, I do sometimes regret never having had the chance to be a princess for a day. Yes, yes, I know - it's a hassle and a headache and an expense that I'm better off never having had to expend, but still...the romance, the pretty hair, the cake, the flowers, the dance with the dad...never got to do it. Never will. I never wanted a huge, opulent, outrageous wedding to begin with, but at this point even if I had wanted it, it's silly to do now at this age. And basically what it all boils down to is the underlying issue: It's not the wedding. It's that seeing people's weddings reminds me that I thought I'd found what I never thought I'd find - a partner. And just as quickly as I found him I had to let him go.

This morning someone pointed out (in the presence of my ex, no less) that this was a year of big changes. "Wow, you graduated and now you turned 40, that's a lot!" And all I could think was, "Yeah, and it would have been the year I got married, too, but that ended up in the shitter."

I'm not angry or bitter about the end of my relationship with GP - I know it had to end, and that ending it was the best thing to do for both of us. But that doesn't mean I still don't get sad. And today? Maybe it was seeing GP that made it worse, I don't know. He was the first person to wish me a happy birthday in person, and I think it just set the tone. I still love him, but I'd really do better to just not see him. We're taking a stab at the friendship thing, but I think it is just too early.

Wah wah wah. I know tomorrow I'll wake up and I'll feel better, but today I just want to crawl under a rock and feel sorry for myself. Is that so wrong?

P.S. Guess it's time to change that header up there. Musings of a 30-something drama queen is now a false statement. Sigh.