What is my deal, anyway?

It must be a Gemini thing; you know, that whole "twins" issue. I used to say of myself "Behold the living dichotomy!" but lately I've been noticing that my life has gone beyond dichotomy and has moved into just plain chaos.

I wish I could be one of those people who is just one thing, who has set parameters and static opinions. But I'm not, and I suppose that's what makes me who I am, right? My whole life I've never been able to stick to one "image." One day I'm a hippie, the next day I'm a biker chick. Tuesday I'm a librarian and by Wednesday I'm just a scuzzy old slacker. I sometimes feel like I don't wear outfits, but rather "costumes" to reflect what kind of mood I'm in that day. This might not be so bad, but I'm 35 years old, and I sometimes dress like I'm 14. I think it has some deep-seated roots in my parents' constant squelching of my self-expression during my most formative years. Sometimes I think it has to do with my hugely diverse musical tastes. I've never been one of those people whose CD collection contains only one genre. Spend a few minutes shuffling through the playlist on my iPod and you'll hear Joni Mitchell, Henry Rollins, Tracy Chapman, Alice Donut, Ice Cube, Cake, Kool and the Gang, Laibach...you get the picture.

At nearly 36, I'm still struggling to figure out who I am. While most people my age are married (or divorced) with kids, stable jobs, established careers, and homes of their own, I'm floundering about in a sea of self-doubt and second-guesses. I often think about how different things might have been if I'd made different decisions along the way. Like, what if I'd not moved back to Buffalo? What if I'd stayed in Chicago and toughed it out? What if I'd moved to a different city? What if I'd chosen a different career path? What if I'd stood up for myself and pushed harder to explore my interest in advertising when I was in high schoo,l instead of meekly accepting that I would be what my parents wanted me to be (and then failing)?

What if I'd not done the things that led to the failure of one relationship after another (because yes, I do blame myself for many of them)? What if I'd given so-and-so a chance? What if so-and-so had given me a chance? Would I be married? Would I have kids? I've decided that, indeed, marriage and children are not my thing. But did this come about because I never got the opportunity to have them, or did I not open myself to the opportunity because I knew in my heart of hearts they weren't what I wanted?

There are so many questions and so few answers for this shit. I didn't mean for this post to become so philosophical and depressing; in fact it was supposed to be about how weird I am. Well, I guess I just reinforced that, didn't I? I promise my next post will make you laugh.