But some days do suck, and apparently so do I.

You sleep alone at night
You never wonder why
All this bitterness wells up inside you
You always victimize
So you can criticize yourself
And all those around you

I guess I've realized recently just what a generally unhappy person I am. Outside influences like school, relationship, and work stress aside, internally I'm miserable. I've tried to laugh it off and dismiss it as a "Gemini thing," but quite frankly, it's driving me down.

It's like for every good thing in my life, I can think of three bad things. I'm actually having a kick-ass semester, but I submitted my portfolio for review this week and will find out on Monday whether or not I made it into the BFA program. And truthfully, I'm worried that I didn't pass. I feel like I've worked hard, but maybe not hard enough. Or maybe I've worked really hard, but I'm just not talented enough. Maybe design isn't what I'm meant to do, and this is a devastating revelation.

For every friend I have, I seem to have five enemies. I've seen with my own eyes, in print, the hatred projected upon my person. I'm a "manipulative loonball" and my "chi is unbalanced." I shouldn't let it bother me, for out of all these people only a few have ever even met me in real life - the others are going on mere conjecture and internet representation. However, it is interesting to note that my father is a manipulative loonball, and originally this post was going to be about him.

Anyway, I think the reason that all this crap bothers me is that I am just not happy. I try to surround myself with the things I think will make me happy, but I'm like that person in the middle of a crowd who feels incredibly lonely. I keep looking for solutions to my problems, and keep thinking that "if I only had/did/knew/lived/weighed _____, I'd have it made," while in truth, it's what's within me that's killing me. I don't have/do/know/live/weigh what I want because inside something isn't working correctly to allow me to open up to receive these things.

Not too long ago I came to understand that I can't rely on other people for my happiness, that being alone is what I do best, and that the more I admit I don't know or understand, the more I'm able to learn. It's a nice sentiment, but I can't seem to put it into any real sort of practice. I do rely on other people for my happiness, and when they fall short of my expectations, I get upset and I take it personally. Failing to recognize that all people are not my type and that not all people think the same way I do is my biggest weakness. Caring too much about what people think of me is my second biggest. Knocking myself out trying to prove myself to those who don't like me is my third. A truly happy person does not do this. A truly stable and sane person does not do this. Manipulative loonball Geminis, however, do. And they do it all the time.

I'm caught in a complicated web of shit that just keeps getting more and more tangled and difficult to sort out. Years ago there was a Honda ad campaign where the company encouraged people to "simplify." That's what I want to do. (Simplify, not buy a Honda, haha). I look around at my messy house, my screwed-up relationship, my teeming schedule, my out-of-control habits, my dwindling bank account, my rising bills...and I just want to scream, "GET OUT!" to all of it. Everything is a fucking production, a dramafest, and a hassle. I can't ever get from point A to point B; instead I start at point G, work my way back to E, jump ahead to M, backpedal to D, and then stay up all night working back to A so that I can finally scramble to B in the nick of time. I think this post is a testament to that.

James (the ex from NOLA, for those of you who haven't been following the continuous orbit of Planet Deedums) broke up with me, for the most part, because he found me unstable. The ironic thing is that I feel like I've spent my whole life pursuing stability. Every time I move, start a new relationship, change jobs, join another cause, I think, "this is the one I'm going to stick with. This is the one that's finally going to work. This is the end of the line. This is the one I'm going to settle on." But the real issue is that I just can't be honest with myself. I put myself in destructive situations, involve myself with destructive people, and engage in destructive behaviors; and when I do get into something good, I run away or push it away to the point where it runs from me. Then I get all "poor me" about it. That's pretty messed up.

And just like everything else, this post is leaving a trail of destruction behind it, so I think I've said enough.

Feel free to jump in with some armchair psychology here, folks. It'll be cheaper than that Jungian shrink who didn't do shit anyway.