Cutting the fat

I'm not just talking about the kind that you eat. That I've been actually relatively successful in doing these last few months. No, I'm talking about life's fat - the unnecessary, extraneous bullshit that weighs you down; the extra crap in your life consisting of things, thoughts, and even people that fetter your mind, clutter your space, and consume your valuable time and energy.

Shortly after I moved back to Buffalo, I was having a conversation with a random stranger in a bar. I don't remember his name, only that he was older; he was the kind of wizened old guy who speaks in proverbs not because he doesn't know what else to say, but because he genuinely believes in their messages. So we got to talking about my travels and my move back to Buffalo and my search for a new job. I told him where I'd lived and worked before and where I thought I'd go after this stop. He took a sip of his beer, and without turning to look at me said, "So what are you running from?"

I thought about it for a second and said, "Well, I guess I'm running from...myself?" He turned to me and said, "maybe it's time to face yourself head-on and stop reinventing yourself every couple of years, and figure out who you really are." The whole thing was like a surreal scene from a made-for-TV movie on Lifetime. But he was right. And ever since then, I've been working toward that. But even still, it's not enough sometimes, and I heap more and more on my plate until I get so overwhelmed that I melt down...and that's when the trouble starts, and I start burdening friends and family with my neurotic episodes. As one friend put it to me recently, "You're all right, you just need to chill the fuck out."

So I've recently begun thinking of what to do after school. The original plan was to finish and then leave Buffalo for bigger and better things, perhaps back to Chicago, possibly to sunnier climes in pursuit of a job or a graduate degree. However, I've gotten used to the idea of actually staying put for once in my life, and I'm currently holding records in the job and dwelling departments - I've been working at Starbucks and living in my house longer than any job or apartment I've ever had. Considering that I've been at Starbucks for almost four years and have been in my house for four and a half, that's a pretty weak reflection...but they're records nonetheless. I'm saving my thoughts on living in Buffalo for another post, but suffice to say that I'm staying.

I realize that I can be a tough person to keep up with. Part of my anti-appeal for a lot of people is my unstable nature, my inability to stay in one place or stick with one thing for very long. Think about it - those of you who have known me for any considerable length of time know that every time you talk to me, something else has changed, some new crisis has developed, some relationship is in the wings or on its way out (and usually with considerable drama orbiting around it), I've picked up another job or a new commitment...to quote Gilda Radner, "it's always something."

The point is that while I've spent the last few years being extremely selfish, self-centered, and carrying a big "fuck 'em if they can't accept me as I am" chip on my shoulder, I do realize that perhaps I should take Scott's advice and just chill out a little. I've bitten off a lot more than I can chew in the last few years, but this is how I operate. If I don't have thirty things going on at once, I won't do anything. So this is not a matter of dropping commitments or scaling back my activities (although I did have to sacrifice my drum lessons for the rest of the semester), but more a matter of stepping back and taking stock of what's most important to me and then prioritizing from there. I need to look for healthy outlets for my neurosis and stress, instead of foisting new episodes of "The Deedee Show" on my immediate friends all the time.

I've always had a tendency to draw attention to myself, to be the life of the party, to move into what Sally calls "Circus Clown Mode" when I'm in a group situation. And when I'm in a good mood, comfortable with myself, and in a decent place in my life, I can be very entertaining, even in my most cynical, self-deprecating approach. But when I'm stressed out, or my esteem is low for whatever reason, or I'm feeling exceptionally pessimistic, my approach lacks the shine of my inner comedienne and instead comes across as whiny, bitchy and needy, putting everyone around me on edge. That is what I need to change.

Maybe I'll try yoga. If I can find room in my schedule. :-)