Dear Zen Tea Douchebag

(as posted on Buffalo's Craigslist 4/22/10):

Dear Zen Tea Douchebag (Starbucks Drive-Thru)
Date: 2010-04-22, 5:59PM EDT


To the guy who threw his SUV in gear and peeled out of the drive-thru because we were out of Zen tea (Oh, the irony):

Dude. What is the matter with you? Listen, I know what a pain in the ass it is to have to wait only to be let down. It happened to me just yesterday at Kinko's, in fact. Waited in line for 15 minutes and left without what I needed. It sucks. I know. Everyone's time is valuable. I get that. And you most certainly had some important goings-on, judging by the way you were clutching that Blackberry.

Let me tell you something. I've been doing this for a really, really long time. So long, in fact, that I usually don't let douchebaggery get to me. Like water on a duck's back, that shit usually just rolls off. However, it never gets easier having to tell someone that they just waited in line for something that I discovered we're out of. I'm sorry about that. And I hope at least you recognized that when I looked at you and said, "Sir, I am really sorry, but I didn't realize when you ordered that we're out of what you wanted. Can I get you something else?" (which, incidentally, you would have gotten for free, such is my dedication to making it right), I was saying so with actual, genuine courtesy and regret. It was a tough day all around, really. Part of the reason you had to wait as long as you did was because we got new ordering system software, and like any computer upgrade, this one was not without its glitches. Again, I'm sorry. Honestly.

But do you realize just how reckless and dangerous and utterly careless your actions were? Do you also realize how FUCKING LUCKY you are that no one was walking through the parking lot at that time? Considering how busy we were, how full the lot was, Sir, I shudder to think what could have happened. The guy behind you said, "what was up with that guy?" And when I told him that you were upset because we were out of the tea you wanted, he said, "So he could have killed someone because of a $2 cup of tea? Wow." It's true. Had anyone stepped off the curb into the crosswalk that crosses the drive-thru lane at that moment, they would be dead. If anyone had been walking through the lot from our front door to their car at that time, they'd be dead. If anyone had been driving past at that very second, they'd be maimed at best. So much potential carnage. For a cup of tea.

My friend was inside at the time, with his 6-year-old daughter. Less than 30 seconds after you pulled your little stunt, they were on their way back to their car. When it dawned on me just what could have happened, I fucking broke down. I actually had to take my headset and my apron off, and go sit in the back to try and compose myself. Ten years ago I saw a dog get hit by a car. I screamed so loud and so long that I lost my voice for three days afterward. I was so traumatized that it kept me up at night for a long, long time. And to this day, ten years after the fact, I still have flashbacks. I'm pretty sure if the worst had happened today, I'd need institutionalization. The implications of your actions, sir, are far reaching indeed.

Yes, I realize that the worst DIDN'T happen, and for the sake of everyone who could have been affected, I am on my knees and thanking the universe for the fortuitous alignment. But I want you to THINK about it - about how life could have changed in the blink of an eye if someone had been in your path at that moment. And hell, since you seem to like to indulge in your own selfish behavior, think about how YOUR life would have been affected. The legal issues...the money issues...the impact on your marriage....on your kids....the jail time.... And above all, could you really have lived with yourself knowing you mowed down a kid, or someone's husband, or someone's mom...for a fucking cup of tea?

I hope you find some Zen very soon, indeed.